Buses SUCK

Part of my plan to move to NYC included the need to come back to Boston on weekends to play gigs that I had already scheduled. No big deal, right? I can just take the bus! I've done that trip dozens of times. Simple!

Bullshit.

Here's the problem with that logic. All of my past trips to and from NYC via bus were spaced-out...maybe a few times a year. If a trip takes longer than expected (more on this in a moment), it's no big deal. However, string a bunch of these trips together over the course of a MONTH and the 'unexpected delays' get very annoying and start to mess up any sort of scheduling I might have planned around my ETA.

I'm in Boston for 2 days and 2 nights. I'm trying to squeeze in as much stuff as I can over that period of time. Gigs, teaching, practice, social hangs, sessions, etc. I still have a lot going on in Boston, so I gotta be frugal with my time. It really SUCKS when I have to dedicate an ENTIRE DAY to making a 225 mile trip, all the while not being able to make any solid plans on said day.

So just to really drive home how buses are the ABSOLUTE WORST way to travel, allow me to entertain you with stories from my last three trips.


Trip #1. I took the Megabus for this one. First thing to know about departing NYC on Megabus: the 'terminal' is nothing more than a bunch of divided lines in a parking lot. It might be 90 degrees. It might be pouring. It might be colder than a witch's titty. Doesn't matter...you're still gonna stand out there in line waiting for your bus. On this particular trip, it was almost 100 degrees out. Did I mention this 'terminal' has no shade whatsoever? So there I am, standing there, sweating up a storm, parched, and guess what? The bus is running late. 45 minutes later, the bus pulls up. I had a terrible sunburn and I'm suffering from extreme dehydration. Ever sat on a bus for 4+ hours with blisters on your shoulders and a monumental headache? Just take the Megabus during the warmer months out of NYC.

Trip #2. I waited too long to book my tickets so everything was expensive. Aly suggests I check out a bus line called Lucky Star. I look it up and it's only $15 each way so I booked a round-trip ticket.

The website says the bus leaves from an address in Chinatown. Red flag #1. So on Friday morning I hauled my ass all the way down there from Queens (50 minutes on the subway) and upon exiting the station I'm welcomed by the stench of rotting meat and throngs of people. I found my way to the bus station (which was nothing more than a small office in between two Chinese restaurants). I got in line to board the bus and the driver started yelling at everyone to "HURRY THE HELL UP WE'RE LATE!!". Nice to see such a display of professionalism!!

Suddenly this asian woman appeared. "Ice cold wahtah one dallah. Ice cold wahtah one dallah." Over and over and over again. I had to step back from the whole scene and chuckle. I felt like I was in the twilight zone.

I got on the bus and luckily I had the row to myself. Unluckily there was a woman sitting behind me speaking LOUDLY in her cellphone. Her 4 year old son was kicking the back of my seat. I gave them a look, and then 15 minutes later I turned around to ask her to please quiet down. "No habla anglais." Uh huh sure.

About an hour into the ride the bus suddenly came to a stop and the driver comes back and yells at everyone to "STOP PRESSING THE GODDAMN NOTIFICATION BUTTON." Very professional.

The rest of the ride up was uneventful, aside from hitting traffic that would have rivaled the 101 in L.A. during rush hour. The return trip was also uneventful, other than when the bathroom backed-up and the entire bus smelled like raw sewage for the rest of the trip. Yep, good times.


Trip #3. This morning I decided to take an earlier bus because I needed to make a rehearsal in Boston around 7pm. I figured the 10am bus would give me plenty of time EVEN if there was traffic.

Nice try.

First of all, the bus was nearly an hour late. Then, it took over an hour just to get out of Manhattan. This was partly due to the fact that the bus randomly stopped for 30 minutes near 130th street. No explanation from the driver. We just pulled over and chilled out for awhile.

So finally when the bus DID get going, the trip wasn't so bad. Unbelievably we hit stop and go traffic at 2 in the afternoon but it didn't last long. We roll on into Boston, and with all the delays prior I was just barely going to make this rehearsal. Then it all goes to shit.

We were on the pike somewhere downtown. The bus was about to enter into a tunnel when suddenly it pulled over. 15 minutes went by and FINALLY the driver got on the intercom and explained that we were 'being held for a few moments in order to get the bus back on schedule'. WTF?? No one had a clue what this meant, but we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

30 minutes later the driver came back on the intercom and explained that the bus could not fit in the tunnel and we were waiting for state police to help us back out. Everyone thought it was a joke. It wasn't. The cops show up and apparently they told the driver that we could go into the tunnel but we had to take the first exit. This put us somewhere slightly off-course but we were a matter of blocks from south station. We drove up the ramp, off of the pike, and onto a surface road. Everyone in the bus cheered (no joke).

Then we stopped at a traffic light....for 20 minutes. Again, like in Manhattan, no explanation.

One guy got up, banged on the door, and got out. People started yelling. Anger began to spread throughout the Megabus. I just held my head in my hands and tried to laugh.

Finally the bus started moving, and again everyone in the bus cheered. We started down one road, made a turn, then went halfway through an intersection. We stopped and then started backing up. The problem is, the driver couldn't see where he was going. A woman who was waiting in the blocked traffic got out of her car and started waving the driver through. Amazing.

So we backed up and made the turn. Then the bus comes to a screeching halt. Apparently the driver didn't mean to make this turn after all. So what does he do? He pulls a U-TURN right in the motherfucking middle of downtown Boston. I still can't believe it, but he did it. Double-decker bus...downtown Boston...rush hour....u-turn....pretty insane eh??

So after executing this retarded u-turn we got back on track and made it to south station.

Everyone cheered once again.



So, I hope these stories have shed some light onto why my attitude towards buses is slightly negative. Unfortunately I've already booked my return bus trip to NYC on Sunday. However, screw saving the $50 or whatever it is. I'm taking the fucking train from now on!!!!